Trusting the Dawn: Insights for Parents, with Author Mary Firestone
On This Episode of Spark to Empower
Today on Spark to Empower, Connie Maday sits down with Mary Firestone for a special conversation with Parents in mind. Mary shares insights around how we as parents can show up as our best selves, what we can do to release the traumas in our life, and how can harness our own power.
Mary Firestone is the author of Trusting the Dawn: How to Choose Freedom and Joy After Trauma. Mary's story of survival and rebirth along with her background in clinical psychology offers an integrated handbook for anyone healing from trauma.
Mary has been featured in Goop, Well+Good, and Forbes, been interviewed on various podcasts and news stations, and featured in articles all across the country. You can read more about her at maryfirestone.co or Learn more at firestonesisters.com.
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Mary Firestone is a graduate of Princeton University and has a Masters in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University. She and her sister founded their company Firestone Sisters Inc. in 2012 with the aim of helping provide others with healing and growth opportunities. She's been featured in Goop, Well+Good, and Forbes, been intervivewed on various podcasts and news stations, and featured in articles all across the country. You can read more about her at maryfirestone.co or Learn more at firestonesisters.com.
About the Guest
Mary Firestone
Author
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Connie Maday (00:12):
Welcome to Spark to Empower. I'm Connie Maday, educator, mother, entrepreneur. This podcast is about igniting the power within ourselves to bring about a positive change for the world. This is the place for inspiration and celebrating change-makers. Today I'm joined by Mary Firestone, author of Trusting the Dawn: How to Choose Freedom and Joy After Trauma. Mary Firestone is a graduate of Princeton University and has a master's in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University. She and her sister founded their company, Firestone Sisters, incorporated in 2012 with the aim of helping provide others with healing and growth opportunities. She's been featured in Goop, Well and Good, and Forbes, been interviewed on various podcasts and news stations and featured in articles all across the country. You can read more about her @maryfirestone.co or learn more @firestonesisters.com. If you haven't heard Mary's story, she survived the unthinkable. After the Thomas Fire decimated the central coast in California, the Montecito debris flow wiped the hillside, leaving behind miles of toxic mud. Mary's home was at ground zero.
(01:26):
Mary, pregnant at the time, spent five plus hours on her bathroom counter surrounded by mud, not sure if her then husband and son were still alive as she had watched her house crash by her. Her story of survival and rebirth are profound and beautifully woven into her book. Mary and I connected around the time our youngest children were born. I was an educator in Montecito and had experienced the trauma of my students who were all affected by the double disasters that had run through our community. Witnessing the incredible support of the Santa Barbara counties and Montecito community throughout this time will forever remind me of the strength we show when we come together as one, Montecito Strong. Through a weekly exercise class and a Piccolino baby group where we'd meet regularly with our little ones, Mary and I connected.
(02:16):
We've shared many conversations over the years during which she was on her healing journey and writing this incredible book, a true gift for the world. The book, Trusting the Dawn, is really a beautiful invitation and a quote, "Call to action to see that you are more complex, multidimensional, connected, and powerful not in spite of what you've been through, but because of what you've endured." I love the wording there, it's so true. Mary brings such light and offers a guidebook for uncovering and healing from trauma. Today's conversation is special. I'm so honored to have her here to celebrate all she's accomplished. Today, we will not go into her full story or journey, but rather I will tap her for some insights around important concepts, especially how we as parents can show up as our best selves, what we can do to release the traumas in our life because we all have them, and most importantly, how we can shine brighter and harness our own power.
(03:22):
She and I both believe that the challenges we've endured can become the path to living a joyful life. Enjoy the show.
(03:34):
Oh my goodness, Mary, I am so honored to sit with you today. You are truly a change-maker who is supporting others on their healing path so that we can show up as our best selves. You've taught me so much and have been a tremendous support on my own journey, and for that, I'm forever grateful. Thank you. Thanks for being here.
Mary Firestone (03:59):
I am the honored one. You too are a change-maker and a lighthouse to so many, including me, so thank you.
Connie Maday (04:09):
Wow. Well, today I'm excited to dive into some big topics that will hopefully offer some insights for parents with tips for how we can show up as our best selves and how we can best support our children. There's so many things that we could talk about, so many places we can go, and you have such a deep level of compassion, empathy, and true appreciation for life. Really, I think you shared this with me that the truth is we've all experienced trauma, and in a way, COVID has been that reminder for us. What I want to start with today is the importance of our mindset and what you've learned throughout your healing process about shifting the narrative, the story that we write about our experiences. Why is this important and how can it influence our life?
Mary Firestone (05:06):
Well, I do... As long as there is life and we're alive, there will be trauma, there will be. That level of trauma is dependent on the person and the situation, and there's no hierarchy of trauma. As the great doctor, Edith Eger, who's a Holocaust survivor and an author, how she shared everyone's trauma is the worst because it happened to them. Yes, I think you're right, that is a fact of being a human, being alive. Another thing that I love that Dr. Edith says and that I think going into this mindset is this idea of we'll all be victimized, but victimization is a state of mind. We move through the valley of the shadow of death, you don't set up camp there. I think the tricky thing is that there's kind of an interplay of, yes, your mindset is important to stay positive and to look for the lesson.
(06:20):
I like to say a lot now is why did this happen for me, not to me? Yet, it's really hard to get to that mindset when we are stuck in a post-traumatic loop, which can happen when our fight or flight system gets left in the on position. That's sort of the definition of PTSD, which is natural to stay in that state for about 30 days, dependent on the person. But when it lasts longer than that, then we want to investigate ways that we might break that loop to begin to rewrite, reframe, and go from there.
Connie Maday (07:09):
You talk in your book about a lot of things that we can do, especially for really big traumas of how we can get unstuck. Right now I'm wondering about those everyday things, what are those everyday things that we can do as parents? Life is busy, it's full, it's crazy, it's easy to get into this cycle of I have so much to do and there's so many things. What are some ways that we can set up our routines, our days, so that we have a little bit more cushion and more ability to show up so that we're not naturally going to this place of fight or flight?
Mary Firestone (07:57):
Well, given a person's schedule and parameters, some of us have more flexibility in our days than others. I would say one thing that is free and accessible to all of us, no matter if we're working three jobs and juggling three children or whatever's happening, is our breath. If someone has a little bit more time, even an extra seven minutes in the morning, to wake up and do a meditation focusing on the breath, I think that would be a great place to start. If you literally don't have seven minutes, then throughout your day, even while you're sitting at the computer, while you're making phone calls, while you're driving, bring the attention to the breath, taking deeper inhales that fill the belly and then the chest, and then exhaling. Just really grounding and bringing your attention back to the present moment, and breath is one great way to do that.
(09:07):
If you have a little bit more time, I love the practice of Qigong, which is one of the branches of Chinese medicine and it's energy cultivation, sort of like a moving meditation. I like to practice that in the morning, or whenever you can do it, I like to do that. Journaling is a great way. I spend a little bit of time reading something inspirational. I love a woman named Florence Scovel Shinn, who was really ahead of her time. She was writing around the turn of the century, and she says a lot of things that Deepak Chopra, Joe Dispenza and other spiritual teachers are sharing now this idea, again, of your mindset, that we create our reality based on our thoughts, our feelings, and our emotions really. Again, we're going back to that mindset. How do we set ourselves up to create our most joyful, fulfilling lives? I read a little bit of that, and then I write a lot. I'm not giving you too much.
Connie Maday (10:18):
I love it. Well, and it connects to a lot of the work too that you were talking about with intention. You talk a lot about setting intentions and setting yourself up for how you want to feel, and so if you could share a little bit about that. What does it mean to set an intention? How are those practices that you just talked about helping with that part as well?
Mary Firestone (10:48):
Setting an intention is different than a goal, it's more of an active, participatory... It's almost like faking it till you make it in a way, it's really feeling the feeling, what that experience is going to bring you, and really embodying it and going from there, because we think about a lot of what they talk about in metaphysics, Joe Dispenza talks about it a lot, it's like attracts like. If we're all vibrational beings, then feelings are... You're attracting, again, what you're putting out. That's what an intention is for me, and again, going into creating the life, the experience, the relationships that you desire.
Connie Maday (11:45):
Yes, and this idea that you are in charge of the story that you are living, you're in charge of how you want it to go, and the power that you have behind setting your intentions, that you can transform your life. I think that your book, for those... I highly recommend for parents that are interested in really moving through and finding a handbook. I feel like it's a handbook for working through trauma and embracing a life of joy. There's so much in there, so you definitely want to pick that up and give it a read. I'm on my second and third read in some chapters. I love it, Mary. It's all underlined. I laugh, we're all unique beings, we're all unique individuals. We all have different needs and what we need to set up our day for success to really make ourselves feel good, it's going to look different for everyone.
(12:45):
Finding that routine that works for you really is important. I think you say self care is selfless, right? It's like that is such an important part of our role, especially as a parent because as a parent, for us to really be able to be present with our children, we have to have the time to tune into ourselves. With that, I think there's a piece of processing some of those things that show up, and sometimes we don't know when they're going to show up, those little moments or those little triggers that all of a sudden you're like, "Whoa, I didn't realize that was something. Hello." So much of us are used to suppressing those feelings, skirting those issues. We both know, we've talked about how eventually those things are going to come out, they're going to catch up to us. I'm wondering what your thoughts are about that. As parents, how can we let go of patterns that are holding us back? How can we let go of patterns that get us stuck? Thoughts?
Mary Firestone (14:00):
I think that's a great question and something that I've been... I talk about it a little bit in the book, but been studying more about generational trauma. Often things that might be triggering to us, it might even be not ours. It might be something that our parents didn't heal and got passed down to us, or that our grandparents... For me, I've never been more motivated to heal than when I was in both of my pregnancies because there was that feeling of, "Oh my gosh, I want to pass as little crap as possible..."
Connie Maday (14:40):
Totally.
Mary Firestone (14:41):
I think the first thing is recognizing when you get triggered. I think so many of us in our society, we're so unconscious a lot of the time, so to become conscious I think is the first step like, "Oh whoa, that just made me feel..." The reaction is maybe way greater than whatever happened. Then depending on what it is, there's so many different tools, there's talk therapy, which is a good place to start. But then I think for a lot of trauma... For me, what I found is that there's so many layers. It can exist in the subconscious, and that's when it can get really frustrating, like, "But I've been in therapy for years, why is it bothering me?" Different tools to get under the conscious triggering or reactive point would be Holotropic Breathwork is a great way to do with a practitioner. Through a particular way of breathing, you get underneath that little frontal cortex, which is usually in the on position, it's underneath that. Ketamine therapy, again, done with a psychiatrist in a proper setting is another tool.
(16:19):
Meditation too, just to quiet that part of the mind to even begin to identify where the root of this trigger is. Then something else too I think, yes, taking time for ourselves and having that time. I had a moment I think I maybe write about in the book where I'm like, "God, I would be so much more spiritual and evolved if I didn't have kids, didn't have to work, didn't have to clean up." Then I realize that, while everyone's screaming at me and there's so many things to do, that is the practice to, within those moments of activation, maybe we want to call it, bring myself back down, stay grounded and stay present with them. Also, I think be honest about my feelings. That's something that, especially in experiencing such an acute trauma, there was no way that my son was not going to see me cry and experience anxiety. We'd lost our home, we'd lost all of our possessions, where we were going to live, what was going to happen. I think being honest in a way that is appropriate for the age of the child. That's something else that I practice.
Connie Maday (17:51):
Definitely, I agree with that, being honest and to be able to be present. I think it was Jay Shetty that talked about... He's a former monk and he talks about the importance of meditation and how it can really help ground you. He shared a story, I think he was in a train and it was just commotion everywhere, and that's when he was told, "Okay, this is the place to actually tune in and practice this. If you can do it here, then that..." which I really equate to as parents. There's always something, there's always those moments. Even when we feel like, okay, we've got it under control, there's always going to be those moments of chaos that kind of can ignite and trigger something in us. That, again, is a great reminder to take that breath.
(18:52):
Also, I think at one point you shared a tip with me about just taking that breath and allowing whatever is happening and taking yourself out of that space for a moment, almost like you're looking down on the scene as it's unfolding, as opposed to being in it. That is super helpful I think as we think about how can we just make sure to connect with our children as opposed to react to our children and realize that as much as we're going through things that we're going through, they also in their little world are going through things and their experiences, their emotions are also important.
(19:38):
I think a big piece, one thing that I'm working on is allowing space for all of us to have our emotions and for all of us to feel safe, to share them and to realize that it's just an emotion that is a wave that's coming in and out. It's not that we are that emotion. You talk a lot about healing and feeling the feelings too as they come up, and I think that is important. Will you share a little bit more about that? Why is that so important for us?
Mary Firestone (20:09):
Yes, I love what you said too. It's like recognizing it is the feeling, it is not me. I am not angry, I am experiencing anger, and it will pass. That even is kind of where the title came from. Trusting the Dawn, I think sometimes... Especially after trauma, but we all have moments where it just feels so dark and heavy and it's the reminder that it does get light again and this too will pass, the sun always rises, it will come again. I think experiencing our feelings, I love what you said about connecting with our children, and also it's kind of going back to, in the conversation, connecting to ourselves. If we're not connected to ourselves, how are we showing up for anyone, much less our children? Then, part of connecting to ourselves is being honest with our feelings. I mean, I'm definitely someone that's like, "Okay, I want to get back to that," I mean, the whole book, right?
(21:18):
But, I'm not suggesting we skip over the hard, sticky feelings because if we try to skip over them, then something you said earlier, they're going to come out in maladaptive ways. Feeling the anger, feeling the... For me, my version of depression is anxiety. Noticing, "Oh wow, I'm in an anxious state," sometimes there's no... I can't find the source, it's just a generalized anxiety. Okay, I'm generally anxious. I'm going to sit with that, I'm going to breathe, I'm going to meditate, I'm going to move my body, and I know it's going to pass. The same thing for when we're in those euphoric, joyful, everything's going great moments, those are harder because I'm like, "Wait, no, I don't want this to pass. This is so good." But if we only lived up there, then we'd never know we were up there, right? It's got to go like that.
Connie Maday (22:28):
Right. With our kids, do you have any tips or anything now that you have this deeper perspective on life? You have such a wisdom and consciousness that has really brought some more empathy and compassion. How has that transferred to your parenting your children, to how you show up for them?
Mary Firestone (22:59):
I think one thing... Well, a big shift for me that happened was I got divorce. After experiencing such an acute trauma, my ex, who we're still really good friends, but we just went in really different directions with our healing and we just wound up too far apart. Divorce is another trauma. I will say one thing that has happened in the aftermath is just being really present when I'm with them and then also when I'm not with them, really being present with whatever it is that I'm doing when I'm not with them. I mean, it's hard. Yes, we miss our children. Also, I'm finding a balance with that, really... Again, the honesty, the recognizing you have a four year old too, it's realizing samples of how the light comes again, because it's like just this morning throwing yourself on the ground, not wanting to get dressed, and you're like, "Oh my gosh, this will never pass. This is so extreme. We're sobbing." Then, we get dressed and literally two minutes later we're onto the next thing. I think they are really good teachers and reminders for us that we keep going.
Connie Maday (24:40):
That's so true, oh my gosh. But, I think we have to be able to notice that. We have to be able to have the perspective of, "Okay, they are teaching me, take a step back and this will pass. It's a feeling. It's moving through. We're getting through it."
(25:07):
Mary, I'm wondering... I'm going to share just a few things that you've reminded me throughout the years, some big pieces that I've hung onto. One is to be able to ask for help. Another one, we've talked about honoring our feelings, loving all of our parts, and accepting all of the parts of us. Then, that we all have a story and making sure that we allow our hearts and souls the opportunity to honor our story so we shine bright. Those are kind of the three things that really stood out to me when I was sitting down for this conversation today, but can you talk about the importance of asking for help and what that means to you?
Mary Firestone (25:57):
Yes. Again, I feel like we have, in our culture, and there's so many books and there's so many people talking about this right now about women, especially that we're meant to be moms, have jobs, still be able to cook, look beautiful, and do all... We're meant to be doing everything, which, well frankly is impossible. That's one thing. There is no shame, and in fact, I think there's honor in delegating and figuring out ways that your kids can help more, your partner can help more, maybe you need to hire someone, maybe it's a teacher, a neighborhood kid. But literally on that front, getting help and not being ashamed of it. Then also, help when we're in a state like I can't shake this anxiety. Whether it's a friend we turn to first or we seek a healer, sometimes all it takes is just another person to witness our evolution, I think there's real power in that. Sometimes we just need a little perspective shift and sometimes we need more help. I think there's power in that, being able to ask for help.
Connie Maday (27:36):
Definitely. I laugh... It took me 40 years to learn that I'm an empath from some good friends support. Thank you, Mary, for helping me recognize.
Mary Firestone (27:50):
Also, that's another thing too. It's another thing I just want to say. Probably, I'm guessing a lot of your listeners are empaths as well, so that can be another thing when we're feeling a lot of feelings to check in on those feelings, like is this mine? Because often when we're very empathic and the deeper we go with our spiritual work, the greater connection we have with other beings. We might wind up feeling some other people's feelings, which is just important to recognize. Then we can just recognize, "This does not belong to me," and bring that back to you.
Connie Maday (28:35):
So much. That kind of goes with this, that we have our story and allowing our hearts and souls to honor our story and even neutralize whatever we need to neutralize and process, so that we can shine bright, be our best selves, and show up in the way that we want to show up. I think that's just so beautiful, so important.
Mary Firestone (29:01):
Can I say one more thing about that?
Connie Maday (29:02):
Go for it, yes.
Mary Firestone (29:05):
Just because with the story, especially when there's hard things that have happened to us, I noticed in my own experience, I was molested several times in childhood, and that became such a part of my story. It's like, "But wait, why is that...? These three bad things, why are they taking up so much space in my story that has lasted 40 years?" I think the goal is... Actually one trauma expert I interviewed, Pat Ogden, she said the goal of all trauma therapy is integration. This idea of those traumatic events becoming part of the story and a neutral part, that's where the healing and the work comes in, and then it's just part of it. But I think that's something that I've noticed in myself and in human nature, that we can do 10 great things and then someone calls us a bitch or doesn't invite us to a birthday lunch, and we're like, "Oh my gosh." We focus on the one negative thing rather than all the positive things. I think that's how we're integrating the traumatic experiences and reframing the story that way.
Connie Maday (30:34):
Mary, you're offering strategy sessions now to support people on their own healing journey. Will you tell us a little bit about that? I mean, I have so many people in my mind that are looking for that kind of support. What does that look like for you?
Mary Firestone (30:53):
These sessions, it's basically whether we've experienced an acute trauma or we're going through a life shift, I think sometimes we can feel powerless and paralyzed and don't know... We might know that something's wrong or you even know what we want to work on, we just don't know how or who or what the best therapy or modality would be. With my own healing journey, I have literally experienced everything from shamanism to EMDR to ketamine to everything in-between. I have my master's degree in psychology, so this is a way for me to be able to offer some kind of support for people to know that they're not alone and set people on a path that's going to lead them back to the light or even greater light. Maybe we're in the light, but it's like let's shine brighter.
Connie Maday (31:58):
Absolutely, and to feel that joy, to be able to be a brighter energy for people around you for the world. I mean, gosh, the ripple effect of that is magnificent. I think recognizing that change on a greater scale really starts with ourself, and then it spreads outward, ourself, our family, and all the people around us for our world. I think that's really beautiful, so thank you for sharing about that. Definitely, you can check out more @maryfirestone.co. Mary, is there anything else that you want to share as we wind our conversation down?
Mary Firestone (32:38):
I think that really is the main thing, and that's why I wrote the book. That's why I got into producing retreats for women, it's just I want people to know that they're not alone and that there is support, there's community, and that through healing, actually you're a more resilient, connected, dynamic being than you were before. That's what I want the world to know, Connie.
Connie Maday (33:15):
I love it. I think, again, it's such a reminder as parents, when we tap into that resilience in ourselves, we're actually gifting that also to our kids. I think that's that big message where our paths connect is as we do the inner work on our own selves, we're helping our families, we're helping our young people realize it's okay to feel these emotions, this comes, this is natural. It's okay to talk about them, to work through the hard stuff, and to find joy and to feel all of it, to be able to ask for help. I think there's some real power in there to also learn to speak out, to share your voice, to be able to be true to who you are. All of those important lessons that you talk about, a lot of them, resilience and expansion, there's so much in this book. Again, parents, you've got to check it out. It is absolutely beautifully written and inspiring.
(34:23):
If you're looking for a handbook of how to get through trauma, this is your guide. I recommend it as an invitation for you to lead a more joyful life. It will open your heart, it will open your mind. It will allow you to dive into yourselves in a deeper way with the reminder that you create your story. Again, Mary offers strategy sessions. She has a lot of resources, amazing things on her website you'll check out. Anything else, Mary, that I'm forgetting where they can find...? Oh, firestonesisters.com also. Tell us a little bit about some of your retreats that you offer.
Mary Firestone (35:03):
My sister, Lucy, and I started producing and curating retreats about 10 years ago now. It's sort of a culmination of different practices, healers that have worked for us that we wanted to share, and we offer them in beautiful locations. We're of the mindset it's green juice and wine, let's do the internal work and then let's celebrate the epiphanies. We have our next one coming up on the island of Mustique in May. We also offer an essential oil based perfume that we formulated with essential oils to make you feel a certain way, not just smell good. Those are some of our other offerings.
Connie Maday (35:51):
Amazing. Mary, thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you, thank you.
Mary Firestone (35:56):
Thank you for having me and for all that you do in the world.
Connie Maday (36:00):
Thank you, Mary. What a treat to be able to sit here and share with you. Again, go to maryfirestone.co to find out more or to firestonesisters.com. To find out more about my journey, go to sparktoempower. Remember to be kind, be bold, be you. Until next time, I'm Connie Maday, make it a great day every day.
